Things I Won’t Miss About College

31 Mar

I’m the in the home stretch of graduating. I have about a month left of school and my inbox is filled with reminders of senior events: Hanging out at the bar! Wine tasting night! Expensive formal in Atlantic city with Tux rental!

No thanks! I’m not interested in doing any of these activities, especially since I don’t have any chums that are seniors. Anyone I talk to at school that’s in my year I only chat with once in a blue moon. So instead of taking part in these once in a lifetime opportunities I’ve made a list of things I won’t miss once I’ve graduated. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed making it.

First Day of Class Name Games

The first day of class is inevitably awkward. You never know anybody in the room and everyone’s wary of the professor’s expectations. Not a single person is ready for the storm of homework and term papers to begin and to top it off the professor walks in the room and says something along the lines of, “Okay, so let’s go around the room, say your name, your year, your major and what you did this summer”. Variations include: your pet’s name, something you did that you’re proud of, where you went to high school and where you want to be in 10 years. The worst variety of this ‘game’ is when the professor is a true sadist and demands that the whole class attempt to memorize everyone’s name. Ouch. You know which game I mean- the one where the first person says their name, the second says the previous person’s name then their own, and so on. The lucky people are in the first row of chairs. The suckers are everyone else. At the end of the game you don’t care if Derek calls you Ashley and you call him Diego.

The Last Page

Whether it happens to be a 5 page paper or a 20 page paper I generally get through it with minimal pain. I write my papers in single spacing so that when I get through a good chunk I can double space it and say, “Wow, I had 3 pages and now I have 6!” However, the rules of space seem to be a bit…wonky, when it comes to me. What actually happens when I am writing a 10 page paper is this: “Wow, I had 5 pages and now I have…9?” Even when things are going swimmingly it seems that that one last page takes me an age to wring from my brain. It must be some sort of mental block that I just can’t get one more page done. I usually do manage to tip the scales, but the last page has a single lonely sentence, mocking my inability to fill the rest. The expanse of blank paper laughs at me with derision, as if to say “Wow, you’re incompetent. Way to go.”

The Missing Microwave

In an effort to eat food that is good and good for me I usually bring my lunch to school. Fruit, vegetables, meat, rice, etc. You know the deal. Most days I require a microwave and usually the microwave in the lounge is there for me, but once in awhile it disappears. Not for a couple hours or a couple days but for a week at a time. I get in the groove of bringing my lunch so when the microwave is absent I feel like a cat treading water: panic stricken and pissed off. This leads me to two paths. I either eat my food cold or just eat the parts that aren’t disgusting at room temperature OR I succumb to the rainbow of sugary, fatty, and salty treats that lay seductively on the coffee shop counter, just a couple feet from the missing microwave. There are giant, but dry muffins, organic fair trade chocolate bars, chocolate truffles, chocolate covered pretzels, bags of M&Ms, gummy bears and licorice, nutty and sprinkled biscotti, soda, iced coffee, imported pastilles and philly pretzels. Repeat after me: It. Is. A. Trap. A big, red lighted, barbed wire TRAP, like a cop posing as a prostitute, only worse. I miss the microwave.

The Frozen Field of Hell/The Soggy Marsh of Doom

The final item on my list of Things I Won’t Miss About College. This is a pretty big one. This field is a hazard at almost any time of the year. In winter the field is covered with snow and is very pretty. Students frolic and make snowmen, women and angels. Then it inevitably rains. not just regular rain, but frozen rain. Well that’s just too darn bad, because now the field is a solid sheet of ice that lays between you and your class. The sidewalks are packed and are also icy. “I can do it”, you tell yourself, “there are patches of snow I can hop to and from”. Okay good plan, except that when you hit the center of the field there is NO snow. Not even a square inch. It is 100% slippery ice and guess what: You’re in the middle of it with a 50 pound backpack that contains a 20 page paper, your laptop, an ipod and your lunch that you won’t be able to microwave when you finally get back to the lounge. Either way you’re screwed. You can either stay there and wait for spring to come along before you move, go back and take the sidewalk, or forge ahead and hope for the best. No matter what you choose you’re going to be late for class. Sound fun yet?

You might be thinking that this can’t possibly get any worse. How can the field be worse than it is in winter? Well it does. When Spring finally hits the grass is visible, the birds are singing and it rained last night. The sidewalks are now featuring a series of pools so you think to yourself “I’ll cut across the field, no problem”. Big problem. That rain has turned the field into a marsh. Once again, you’re thinking you can get through it okay, this time by hopping from patches of grass. The grass!? Really?! Who do you think you are? That grass is no drier than any other part of campus right now. I sure hope you didn’t wear your new shoes to celebrate the warm weather, because they’re going to be very un-new very soon. Sure summer will soon be here, but by that time you’ve already ruined a new pair of shoes and you are on your way to the beach. Have fun in fall when it starts raining again!

Like I said, this field is a veritable hell hole for at least three of the four seasons. So unless you’re sticking around for summer courses don’t bother trying to cross it. It isn’t worth the trouble.


Well, that concludes my list of Things I Won’t Miss About College. Stay tuned for my list of things I will miss…..when I’m 40 and start reminiscing like everyone else. Maybe I’ll luck out and read this list when I’m that old and realize how good I’ve got it.


2 Responses to “Things I Won’t Miss About College”

  1. Crepes of Wrath April 2, 2010 at 5:27 PM #

    This is a pretty good list. I graduated this past December and it’s so liberating! I especially hated the first day of class when the professor would go over every. single. word. in the syllabus. It was the biggest waste of time ever!

    • dietplaid April 2, 2010 at 8:16 PM #

      Thanks! I agree, what is the point of reading exactly what they typed? I mean, seriously, either teach or let us out early!

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